


MBMBaM D̶̛͚̓C̸̩̪͊̊͜͠L̵͕̙̯̟̄̾̚X̸̯̠̦͑́̓͘V̶̡̦̒͒̕ͅI̵̠̾͋ For Sale: Coffin, Gently Used

by thesentimentalist



Series: Summer of Stupid 2020 [2]
Category: My Brother My Brother and Me (Podcast), The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: As the Ancient Scrolls Sayeth:, Farce, Gen, Hilarity Ensues, Humor, May I Offer you a Goof in this Trying Time, The Buried - Freeform, The Stranger - Freeform, haunted dolls, the devil's lettuce
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:47:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23142679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesentimentalist/pseuds/thesentimentalist
Summary: Travis: Maybe he could turn it into a coffee table?Justin: A what??Travis: Like. Get a big square piece of glass and put it on top of the coffin. Bam. Coffee table and conversation starter!Griffin: What’s the conversation, ‘leave my apartment before I turn your bones into furniture?'Joshua Gillespie, perturbed owner of one haunted coffin, turns to an unusual source for help. Hilarity ensues.
Series: Summer of Stupid 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867057
Comments: 36
Kudos: 241





	MBMBaM D̶̛͚̓C̸̩̪͊̊͜͠L̵͕̙̯̟̄̾̚X̸̯̠̦͑́̓͘V̶̡̦̒͒̕ͅI̵̠̾͋ For Sale: Coffin, Gently Used

Justin: boopboopboopbedoopboopboop BREAKING NEWS IT’S HAUNTED DOLL WATCH!

Griffin: Oh no

Justin: The listing says “The Mechanical Chess Master.” HIGHLY ACTIVE, EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. I found this in a sale of items from a building that burned down. The woman running the sale said that she didn’t know exactly where it came from, but she was pretty sure it belonged to the previous owner, who was once part of a circus. He stored it in the basement, which saved it from the fire.”

Travis: so what you’re saying is that this clown doll started the fire.

Justin: It’s not a clown doll, look, I’m sending you the picture, it’s more like a mechanical fortune teller. 

Griffin: But it’s from a circus, that’s creepy. It’s not as creepy as a clown doll but it’s still creepy. 

Travis: Oh god. See I would disagree. This thing is pretty . . . pretty fucked up. 

Griffin: where is it, relative to clowns, on the Montague-James Creepitude Scale?

Travis: I’m going to put clown dolls at a 7 and this thing at about a 10.

Justin: “The Chess Player is an extremely active spirit. I brought it home and kept it in my living room, which is right under my bedroom. That night, I heard noises coming from downstairs. I went down, but nobody was there. The next week, I began to hear circus music and singing coming from downstairs. I can’t understand the language, but it sounds like Russian, or possibly German.”

Griffin: I’m imagining this thing unfolding its comically long legs and stepping out of the box.

Travis: that brings it up to an 11. 

Justin: “Warning! The Chess Master is a dangerous spirit, who should only be adopted by an advanced spirit worker. The singing and music are extremely frightening, it moves when you aren’t looking, and it has scratched me and drawn blood. I want it gone, but I don’t want to give it to anyone who can’t handle it.”

Griffin: How much is this thing?

Justin: 3,000 dollars. 

Griffin: 3,000 DOLLARS? That’s BUCKWILD!

Travis: Well, it looks like it’s actually a pretty complicated piece of machinery. 

Griffin: Ok. I’m going to take us out of the fiction of haunted dolls for a second. 

Justin: The haunted doll cinematic universe.

Griffin: Yes. This thing is 5.5 feet by 3 feet wide. It’s huge. It’s also an actual antique. Now I assume most haunted doll people are just trolling their local antique stores for busted up dolls and flipping them on ebay. Why on EARTH would you try to sell this thing as a haunted doll. The shipping alone is a couple hundred dollars.

Travis: See I disagree because if anything is haunted in this world, it’s this fucked up chess robit. I mean look at it. 

Griffin: I have a yahoo. This question is by yahoo answers user “Gillbert” and it says: “So I graduated last year–”

Travis: Congratulations! 

Justin: Good work my dude!

Griffin: “So I graduated last year, and my friends decided to go to Amstedam. So one morning I was high, and the important thing is that I wound up sitting in a cafe. This guy comes up and sits down. He says his name is john and he’s ‘looking for a friend to hold something for him’

Travis: it’s the devil’s lettuce  
Justin: it’s DEFINITELY the devil’s lettuce

Griffin: “And I was going to say now but then he pulls 10,000 pounds out of his–”

Travis: he WHAT?

Griffin: I DON’T KNOW BRITISH MONEY 

Justin: Wait, wait, wait. I’m looking it up.  
You GUYS that’s like $13,000!

Justin: he wants you to hold drugs. 

Griffin: It’s definitely drugs. 

Travis: you can’t–

Griffin: “So I said yes–”

Travis: NO

Griffin: “And he gives me the money, says he’ll be in touch, and leaves.”

Justin: WhAT ThE FUcK 

Griffin: “And of course he doesn’t know my name or where I’m staying so a week later I fly home still high with 10,000 Pounds.”

>incoherent screaming

Griffin: “Fast forward to a year later. Nothing has happened, so I use some of the money to get an apartment. The day after I move in, I get a knock at the door. It’s two delivery men with a giant box.They asked for my name, and when I told them, they pushed the box into my hall and left. So I open the box, and it’s a coffin wrapped in chains and locked with a padlock. There’s a note on it that says ‘Delivered with gratitude, J’ and that’s when I realized that it was from John. Do I have to keep it? Can I get rid of it?”

Justin: Gillbert?

Travis: Gill?

Justin: Pick a god and pray.

Travis: You made a deal with the fae. There is no release.

Griffin: You are stuck with that coffin for the rest of your natural life.

Justin: So you’re going to have to try and make the best of it.

Travis: Maybe he could turn it into a coffee table?  
Justin: A what??

Travis: Like. Get a big square piece of glass and put it on top of the coffin. Bam. Coffee table and conversation starter! 

Griffin: What’s the conversation, ‘leave my apartment before I turn your bones into furniture?’

Travis: It could be a goth thing. Use some of your blood money to buy red curtains and black paint.

Justin: I’m pretty sure that this guy is not a goth though. If he were a goth, or open to the goth lifestyle, this would not be on yahoo answers. He would be on twitter like “hey guys check out this FREE COFFIN I got from my drug dealer!”

Griffin: That’s a good point. 

Justin: Have we considered that there might be a revenant or draugr in this coffin? Since John is clearly at the very least in contact with the other side, maybe he’s using your house as a storage facility for cursed objects? 

Griffin: Yeah you’re going to wake up in the night and Rami Malak is going to be in your living room, talking about how his brother killed him in a perfect British accent. 

Travis: Ok listen. Listen. This is what you do. You watch the coffin, and whatever kind of creature emerges, you write a sitcom about it and send the screenplay to CBS. 

Justin: Or. . . you have to carry John up the mountain or you will be cursed for always and eternity. 

Griffin: Do y’all want a final yahoo?

Griffin: Some kind of fish monster tried to bum a blunt off me in an alley. How do I know it’s not a narc?

>wheezing.

My name is Justin McElroy. 

I’m Travis McElroy. 

I’m Griffin McElroy. 

This has been My Brother, My Brother and Me, kiss your dad square on the lips.


End file.
